feelin never fades

it's hard to let go of certain emotions cuz the feeling neva seem to leave u the memories still linger on your mind when u around someone else u start thinkin bout the times dat made u smile or even the times that made u frown it's hard to let go of sumthn datz good then u left standing like your world crash and your mind stuck in a trance wit no understanding the emotions i must try to shield away how will i be able 2 do diz? at sum point we must leave our past in the wind but it's easy to say bt it's hard to let actions take place what i feel for u will stay close even if i'm no longer able to have u in dat way. i say we why we must go diz cycle of lettin go. i wuld miss kissing u slow all over or the way i make your body flow. we fight the emotions that ties us 2getha. but the word letting go iz hard pass from our lips. u enter like an angel in my eyes. i look to the sky for the answer but the clouds remain to turn gray. i feel trap behind this wall that surrounds my heart bt ur my heart only has room for one. i struggle and as more time passes by the feeling never fades

darkness

Darkness all around. i dnt kno my left from my right. so i can run away. my only option is to face it.

Clouds

Clear skies not a cloudy in sight.
Taking it one day at a time, givin it all my might.
Dark clouds come and go, it may even rain.
My heart gets heavy and i'm reminded of the pain (<---Like i need a reminder)
Then the sky clears agian and the sun shines
Its brings me joy and peace of mind

Sun Oct,18,2009 9:30pm

i know sometimes it feels it feels like your world is closing in on you. Ppl abusing and comin down on you.; tlkn behind your back; Betrayal. Bills need payn. you and da baby need clothes; All kinds of money problems; Relationship problems. But i come to tell you happines is on da way. Maybe there goals you want to acclomplish. I kno its at least one thing you enjoy doin and it put a smile on your heart. I personally was always had personal,kind of, hidden goal. i did'nt want ppl to kno because i didnt want them to see me fail. bt i kno i have great potential inside of me and so do you. I see myself in the future as a strng minded woman helping others out of troubled times. My suggestions to others having a hard time findin joy is to close your eyes, humble yourself and PRAY. You'll be amazed at hw He open your eyes and heart. give your troubles to Him and take life one day at a time. you'll realize that there's joy inside you. All this time you may have been waiting or expecting other ppl to bring you happiness and they most likely failed in doin so. Bt have faith! Joy is inside of you and that joy comes frm The Lord. To all-- stay strong the battle is worth the scares. You can win and defeat the odds

WUR I STAND

RIGHT NOW I DONT KNOW WUR I STAND IN MY BABY'S LIFE. I FEEL LIKE IM NUMBER NOTHING IN HA LIFE. I FEEL LIKE SHE DONT REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW I MISS HER WEN WE DNT TALK. AND LAS NIGHT I WAS SO MAD WEN I FOUND OUT SHE DIDNT CAL ME BAC BCUZ SHE WAS ON DA PHONE WIT FRIENDZ ?! I MEAN, WAT THA FUCK!!!!!!!! DAT REALLY MADE ME FEEL GLORIOUS. IT REALLY DID. I WAS ALREADY FEELIN BAD CUZ I THOUGHT HA MOTHER HAD COME HOME. I WAS THINKN TA MYSELF " I HOW DNT KNO HOW MUCH OF THIS I CULD ENDURE" AND I STILL DNT KNO. AFTER WE GOT OFF DA PHONE THE LAS TIME I WAS SO FURIOUS, I HAD TA DO SUMN I HAVENT DONT IN A LONG TIME........TAKE A WALK. I STAYD OUT UNTIL 11:30. I HAD TA DO SUMN TO GT MY MIND OFF ALL THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS I WAS THINKN. AND WEN I GOT HOME I STILL HAD PROBLEMS SLEEPN AND HAD TO REPEAT "ITS GONBE ALRITE-ITS GONB ALRIGHT " OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD TA FALL ASLEEP. ONLY TA WAKE UP AND IT BEIN DA FIRST THING ON MY MIND. I LUV MY BABY WIT ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, SHE IS MY LIFE. I WOULD DIE FA HA BUT ITS PAINFUL AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL TO NOT KNO WUR I STAND IN HA LIFE.

learn to keep my mouth shut

i think i shoulda just kept my mouth shut abt this girl who like me instead of telling my baby abt it. i mean, i dont like da girl but she has been a friend to me. I've only known her for 3 or 4 wks. now i got to get rid of her and make sure my luv knows she will always be my baby now and forever.

i meet da girl on a chatline one lonely night. she knows abt my gurl and our relationship but the otha day she told me that she's starting to develop feelings fa me. i asked her how, and she said i make her feel good... Note that i have neva got intimate with her or called her baby or anything like that... After she told me that i was speechless and i said (txtd) wat can i say, imma good person and i treat everybody with respect and its been my downfall for most of my life. and i reminded her of girl, i tol her we've planned a life together and im not leaving her for nun in this world. she said she respect that and that was it.

i still think i shoulda kept it to myself and jus handled it myself like i always do. i jus felt bad keeping it to myself. i felt worse for telling her and ruining her night. im sorry baby, i'll make it right baby i promise. u know were my heart is.

A PRAYER

LAS NIGHT STARTED KINDA HARD FOR ME; ACTUALLY MOST OF YESTERDAY HAD ME DOWN AND OUT. MY SPIRIT FELT LOST. I MISSD MY BABY DEARLY AND IN MY MIND I STARTED TO BLAME HER AND EVERYBODY ELSE FOR MY SADNESS. BUT I KNOW ITS NOT THEIR FAULT. I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR MY MENTAL SORENESS. I STARTED TO THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE TAKEN OR LEFT ME IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. (NOT NECESSARILY BY DEATH). LETS START THE LIST:

• AGE 7 MY BESTIE JAMES ; AGE 8 MY FATHER (RIP); AGE 9 MY POP (RIP)
• 6TH GRADE A WONDERFUL BAND DIRECTOR; 8TH GRADE ANOTHER WONDERFUL BAND DIRECTOR (PPL WHO KNO ME KNOW HOW I LUV MUSIC AND MY INSTRUMENT)
• 9TH GRADE MY OTHER BESTIE MEGHAN; 11TH MY STEP BROTHERS
• 12TH GRADE MY BESTIE KENDALL & ANOTHER BAND DIRECTOR
• THE LIST GOES ON &ON

AS THE WORLD CONTINUES TO TAKE, I FEEL LARGER SPELLS OF PAIN AND ANGUISH. MY MIND AND HEART HAS BEING TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. I'VE BEEN ASKING THE LORD TO PROVIDE ME WITH WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE BUT FOR A WHILE ITS BEEN FEELING LIKE HE HASN'T BEEN LISTENING. BUT I KNOW FOR SURE HE'S ALWAYS LISTENING, MAYBE ITS ME THAT'S NOT LISTENING.

LAST NIGHT AFTER LAYING IN SELF PITY AND SMOKING YET ANOTHER CIGARETTE, WHILE I WAS OUTSIDE SOMETHING TOLD ME TO JUST CALL ON THE LORD. SO I BOWED MY HEAD,BECAME HUMBLE BEFORE HIM UNDER THE DARK SKIES AND CALLED ON HIS NAME. I ASKED HIM FOR WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING ONCE AGAIN. FOR HIM TO ENTER MY HEART AND SPIRIT ; TOLD HIM I WAS READY TO DO HIS WILL; TOLD HIM I WAS TIRED OF BEING SAD AND I KNO JOY COMES FROM HIM IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE. I GAVE MY PROBLEMS OVER TO HIM.

AFTER I FINISHED MY PRAYER AND WENT TO MY ROOM TO RESIGN FOR THE NIGHT, I FELT SO GOOD, AS IF THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD WAS OFF MY SHOULDERS. EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT GO TO SEE TIL 3AM THE REST OF MY NIGHT WAS PEACEFUL. I KNO MY TIME FOR PEACE AND FAVOR IS VASTLY APPROACHING BECAUSE LIFE IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER BY THE MINUTE. BUT I CAN GET THROUGH AND I CAN SUCCEED. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS P.U.S.H! (PRAY.UNTIL.SOMETHING.HAPPENS.! )