feelin never fades

it's hard to let go of certain emotions cuz the feeling neva seem to leave u the memories still linger on your mind when u around someone else u start thinkin bout the times dat made u smile or even the times that made u frown it's hard to let go of sumthn datz good then u left standing like your world crash and your mind stuck in a trance wit no understanding the emotions i must try to shield away how will i be able 2 do diz? at sum point we must leave our past in the wind but it's easy to say bt it's hard to let actions take place what i feel for u will stay close even if i'm no longer able to have u in dat way. i say we why we must go diz cycle of lettin go. i wuld miss kissing u slow all over or the way i make your body flow. we fight the emotions that ties us 2getha. but the word letting go iz hard pass from our lips. u enter like an angel in my eyes. i look to the sky for the answer but the clouds remain to turn gray. i feel trap behind this wall that surrounds my heart bt ur my heart only has room for one. i struggle and as more time passes by the feeling never fades

darkness

Darkness all around. i dnt kno my left from my right. so i can run away. my only option is to face it.

Clouds

Clear skies not a cloudy in sight.
Taking it one day at a time, givin it all my might.
Dark clouds come and go, it may even rain.
My heart gets heavy and i'm reminded of the pain (<---Like i need a reminder)
Then the sky clears agian and the sun shines
Its brings me joy and peace of mind

Sun Oct,18,2009 9:30pm

i know sometimes it feels it feels like your world is closing in on you. Ppl abusing and comin down on you.; tlkn behind your back; Betrayal. Bills need payn. you and da baby need clothes; All kinds of money problems; Relationship problems. But i come to tell you happines is on da way. Maybe there goals you want to acclomplish. I kno its at least one thing you enjoy doin and it put a smile on your heart. I personally was always had personal,kind of, hidden goal. i did'nt want ppl to kno because i didnt want them to see me fail. bt i kno i have great potential inside of me and so do you. I see myself in the future as a strng minded woman helping others out of troubled times. My suggestions to others having a hard time findin joy is to close your eyes, humble yourself and PRAY. You'll be amazed at hw He open your eyes and heart. give your troubles to Him and take life one day at a time. you'll realize that there's joy inside you. All this time you may have been waiting or expecting other ppl to bring you happiness and they most likely failed in doin so. Bt have faith! Joy is inside of you and that joy comes frm The Lord. To all-- stay strong the battle is worth the scares. You can win and defeat the odds

WUR I STAND

RIGHT NOW I DONT KNOW WUR I STAND IN MY BABY'S LIFE. I FEEL LIKE IM NUMBER NOTHING IN HA LIFE. I FEEL LIKE SHE DONT REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW I MISS HER WEN WE DNT TALK. AND LAS NIGHT I WAS SO MAD WEN I FOUND OUT SHE DIDNT CAL ME BAC BCUZ SHE WAS ON DA PHONE WIT FRIENDZ ?! I MEAN, WAT THA FUCK!!!!!!!! DAT REALLY MADE ME FEEL GLORIOUS. IT REALLY DID. I WAS ALREADY FEELIN BAD CUZ I THOUGHT HA MOTHER HAD COME HOME. I WAS THINKN TA MYSELF " I HOW DNT KNO HOW MUCH OF THIS I CULD ENDURE" AND I STILL DNT KNO. AFTER WE GOT OFF DA PHONE THE LAS TIME I WAS SO FURIOUS, I HAD TA DO SUMN I HAVENT DONT IN A LONG TIME........TAKE A WALK. I STAYD OUT UNTIL 11:30. I HAD TA DO SUMN TO GT MY MIND OFF ALL THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS I WAS THINKN. AND WEN I GOT HOME I STILL HAD PROBLEMS SLEEPN AND HAD TO REPEAT "ITS GONBE ALRITE-ITS GONB ALRIGHT " OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD TA FALL ASLEEP. ONLY TA WAKE UP AND IT BEIN DA FIRST THING ON MY MIND. I LUV MY BABY WIT ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, SHE IS MY LIFE. I WOULD DIE FA HA BUT ITS PAINFUL AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL TO NOT KNO WUR I STAND IN HA LIFE.

learn to keep my mouth shut

i think i shoulda just kept my mouth shut abt this girl who like me instead of telling my baby abt it. i mean, i dont like da girl but she has been a friend to me. I've only known her for 3 or 4 wks. now i got to get rid of her and make sure my luv knows she will always be my baby now and forever.

i meet da girl on a chatline one lonely night. she knows abt my gurl and our relationship but the otha day she told me that she's starting to develop feelings fa me. i asked her how, and she said i make her feel good... Note that i have neva got intimate with her or called her baby or anything like that... After she told me that i was speechless and i said (txtd) wat can i say, imma good person and i treat everybody with respect and its been my downfall for most of my life. and i reminded her of girl, i tol her we've planned a life together and im not leaving her for nun in this world. she said she respect that and that was it.

i still think i shoulda kept it to myself and jus handled it myself like i always do. i jus felt bad keeping it to myself. i felt worse for telling her and ruining her night. im sorry baby, i'll make it right baby i promise. u know were my heart is.

A PRAYER

LAS NIGHT STARTED KINDA HARD FOR ME; ACTUALLY MOST OF YESTERDAY HAD ME DOWN AND OUT. MY SPIRIT FELT LOST. I MISSD MY BABY DEARLY AND IN MY MIND I STARTED TO BLAME HER AND EVERYBODY ELSE FOR MY SADNESS. BUT I KNOW ITS NOT THEIR FAULT. I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR MY MENTAL SORENESS. I STARTED TO THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE TAKEN OR LEFT ME IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. (NOT NECESSARILY BY DEATH). LETS START THE LIST:

• AGE 7 MY BESTIE JAMES ; AGE 8 MY FATHER (RIP); AGE 9 MY POP (RIP)
• 6TH GRADE A WONDERFUL BAND DIRECTOR; 8TH GRADE ANOTHER WONDERFUL BAND DIRECTOR (PPL WHO KNO ME KNOW HOW I LUV MUSIC AND MY INSTRUMENT)
• 9TH GRADE MY OTHER BESTIE MEGHAN; 11TH MY STEP BROTHERS
• 12TH GRADE MY BESTIE KENDALL & ANOTHER BAND DIRECTOR
• THE LIST GOES ON &ON

AS THE WORLD CONTINUES TO TAKE, I FEEL LARGER SPELLS OF PAIN AND ANGUISH. MY MIND AND HEART HAS BEING TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. I'VE BEEN ASKING THE LORD TO PROVIDE ME WITH WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE BUT FOR A WHILE ITS BEEN FEELING LIKE HE HASN'T BEEN LISTENING. BUT I KNOW FOR SURE HE'S ALWAYS LISTENING, MAYBE ITS ME THAT'S NOT LISTENING.

LAST NIGHT AFTER LAYING IN SELF PITY AND SMOKING YET ANOTHER CIGARETTE, WHILE I WAS OUTSIDE SOMETHING TOLD ME TO JUST CALL ON THE LORD. SO I BOWED MY HEAD,BECAME HUMBLE BEFORE HIM UNDER THE DARK SKIES AND CALLED ON HIS NAME. I ASKED HIM FOR WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING ONCE AGAIN. FOR HIM TO ENTER MY HEART AND SPIRIT ; TOLD HIM I WAS READY TO DO HIS WILL; TOLD HIM I WAS TIRED OF BEING SAD AND I KNO JOY COMES FROM HIM IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE. I GAVE MY PROBLEMS OVER TO HIM.

AFTER I FINISHED MY PRAYER AND WENT TO MY ROOM TO RESIGN FOR THE NIGHT, I FELT SO GOOD, AS IF THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD WAS OFF MY SHOULDERS. EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT GO TO SEE TIL 3AM THE REST OF MY NIGHT WAS PEACEFUL. I KNO MY TIME FOR PEACE AND FAVOR IS VASTLY APPROACHING BECAUSE LIFE IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER BY THE MINUTE. BUT I CAN GET THROUGH AND I CAN SUCCEED. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS P.U.S.H! (PRAY.UNTIL.SOMETHING.HAPPENS.! )

MY WEEKEND

OK, FRIDAY
FOUND OUT MY BABY WAS GOING OUT SO DAT MEANT THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GONNA TALK TO HER OR SEE HER....AT LEAST THATS WAT I THOUGHT. SHE CAME OVA TWICE TO SEE ME AND I WASNT HOME EITHER TIMES. THE FIRST TIME I WAS GONE TO THE LIBRARY BUT PRIOR B4 ME GOING TO THE LIBRARY I HAD DROPPD MY FRIEND OFF AT HIS HOUSE IF I WOULDNT HAVE DID THAT I WOULDA BEEN HOME TO SEE MY BABY. THE 2ND TIME I WAS OUT PICKING MY MAMA UP FROM WORK. B4 PICKING MY MAMA UP FROM WRK MY FRIEND RICO POPPED UP AT 11 O'CLOCK... DUN DUN DUUUUNNN! DAMN!!!!! HE WANNA GO TA DA CLUB TO SEE ONE OF HIS DUDES AND GET CHEWD UP IN THE BATHROOM. GROSS!! SO WE PICKED MY MOTHER UP FROM WORK AND MADE IT BAK TO MY HOUSE, I HEAR SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME. IT WAS KOOL-AID(A GROWN AS MAN). HE ASKED IF WE COULD USE MY KAR TO BUMP HIS BITCH KAR OUT THE MUD... OK THIER CAR WAS PARKED IN THE FRONT YARD IN FRONT OF THEIR DOOR. Y IN HELL WOULD U DO THAT KNOWING DAMN WELL YO YARD AINT GT NO GRASS AND ITS RAINING. YO HAIR AINT THAT DAMN IMPORTANT... SO WE TRY TO BUMP THEIR CAR OUT AND END UP GETTING MY CAR STUCK IN THE MUD. DAMN DAMN DAMN. SO WE WAS OUT FOR OVER 2 AND A HALF OURS GETTING BOTH CARS OUT THE MUD IN THE FREEZING COLD RAIN.

SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE CLUB
EVERTHING WAS GOIN GUD TIL I MESSED UP AND TOLD RICO I SAW DERRICK ( MY FRIEND X BOYFRIEND) SO HE DECIDES HE WANNA KAL MY FRIEND NITA WHO IS A HOT HEAD AND TELL HER HA NIGGA IS HERE AT A GAY CLUB... Y HE DO THAT? SHE WAS AT DA CLUB IN TEN MINS. SHE SPOTTED THAT MANE AS SOON AS SHE WALKED IN. NEXT THING U KNO... dOOP UPSIDE HIS HEAD. HE HIT HA BAK. RIKO JUMPD IN STARTED JACKN WIT HIM. AND SUM HOW THE FIGHT ENDED UP IN DA BAK OF THE CLUB. WEN I FINALLY GT BAK THERE AND I SEE A WHOLE BUNCH OF FEMZ AND STUDS SURROUNDIN MY FRIEND SO I GETS BESIDE HER. EVERYBODY STARTS YELLING AND EVERYBODY EVENTUALLY STARTS JACKIN. I KNO FA SHO I CAVED SUM STUDZ FACES IN BECUZ AFTER I GOT PULLED OUTSIDE I REALIZED I HAD SCRATCHES AND MARKS IN MY FISTS. AND THEN AFTER THAT WAS OVA RIKO DECIDES HE WANNA GET INTO IT WIT ANOTHA ONE OF HIS BOYFRIENDS AND CAUSE A SCENE.

THIS WEEKEND SUCKED

SUNDAY WAS THE ONLY GOOD DAY I HAD. I GOT TO SEE MY BABY AND TALK ON THE PHONE WIT HA. SHE MAKES ALL MY DARK DAYS FADE AWAY AND ALWAYS BRING SUNSHINE IN MY LIFE. I DNT KNO WAT I'LL DO WITHOUT HER

Y CANT I GO?

even tho i go out from time ta time. i wish i could go out with my baby. i hate stayin home and bein lonely day after day, weekend after weekend. i get so tired of goin out wit those nothin ass friends of mines. i wish i could take my baby out at least once a month. but in reality i only take her out maybe once every four ta six months. that 2 - 4 times a year. i miss her so much and it hurts so bad. but i really can't complain bcuz its not her fault. i kno if it was up ta her we would be out everyday. . i know trouble don't last always but DAMN......! i need a blunt. but i can't smoke so imma go to sleep. but i still wanna kno y can't i go?

For Da Studz

Wassup with these studs nowadays. I mean 4real yal are really showing yal asses and acting real stupid and are making me and other real studs look bad. Abusing yo women???????????!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Dat gurl loves yo dirty drawers and u repay her by putting ur hands on her. Hell Naw homie dat aint kool. We are supposed to treat our women with respect and admiration not like dirt and dogs. If dat was the case then ya gurl should go get with them nothing ass niggas. UGH!! I get so frustrated because I get tired of my fem-friends crying and whining b-cuz they cant find a good trustworthy stud... like myself ;P
Maybe you don’t abuse your gurl, you just cheat on ha. Why cheat? If your unhappy, then go to yo gurl and tell her, talk your problems out. And if yal come the conclusion of jus breaking up and moving on, then so be it. Life goes on. But don’t sit up there and lie to ya gurl and let her thing everything is alright. Now if she catch you in the act and beatcha ass. U'll say she was wrong.
Another thing is showing yo gurl love. You have to tell ur gurl u love her ad she’s beautiful constantly. Eve tho its called SELF-esteem we studs have an important role in our girl’s self esteem. They might get told that they’re fine everyday by a stranger or even friends. But we they hear it from their lover, it make a difference. You have to make them feel special and loved. You have to show your girl that u wanna be with her and only her. Show her that there’s no one else out there that can do her better than u can. That’s all for now. Studs take care of ya gurl and she’ll take care of you. KeYsEaN X

As I Lay...

As i lay just about ta call it a night. i close my eyes and see my baby's gorgeous face with those dazzling eyes peering into mine. i imagine her laying next to me, skin so soft, our bodies so close, her scent sends me into a frenzy. our lips join and our tongues tangle. my hands start to roam. and so does my tongue. it starts traveling to serval parts of her body, enjoyin every inch of her. she manually raises my head. and gives me a deep kiss. her lips are so delicious. she plants kisses my neck and my toes curls, her tongue travels down my neck and she knows that will drive me insane. her legs spread and my tongue waters. now my face is between her legs i inhale her sweet fragrance. spread her lips and. . . I wake up! DAMN!!

MY GIRL IS PRICELESS

My girl is the best girlfriend in the world. she's very strong and smart. Given her circumstance, she the best. i wish she wouldn't stress herself so much but that's like telling a bird not to fly. lol . But nevertheless I still love her. She's caring, understanding, sexy, feisty, very intelligent,sexy and um sexy! She listens (most of the times) and she never judges me. She has a smile that drives my crazy and eyes that amazes me. She's my world and reason for living. She has helped me through so many problems... so many times when i felt worthless she was the one on the other end of the phone consoling me, telling everything is going to be alright. i love her so much. i recall one time where she said she felt worthless but she just don't know... She's PRICELESS!